Where I stand
by BeachBum84
Summary: [Chasing Amy] I'm in love with my best friend. The realization hits me like a ton of bricks... [Oneshot]


**A/N: This takes place sometime during the movie Chasing Amy. It's while Holden and Alyssa are dating. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Kevin Smith is brillant. **

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"_Not tonight, Banky. Alyssa and I..."_

The rest of the sentence fell on deaf ears. The only thing I could focus on was Holden walking out the door. He hesitated for a moment, looking at me. He smiled. "Cheer up, Banky. Stop looking like the fucking sky is falling."

I couldn't respond. Holden shook his head and left. He just left. I let myself fall onto the couch. Fucking selfish bastard. He just doesn't think. How often has he seen me look like the sky is falling? Not very often. Maybe there's a fucking reason for the very pathetic 'the sky is falling' look. But does he ever stop and think about that? No! Never. When was the last time he had my back? When was the last time he put something on the line for me? Gave something up for me? When was the last time anything was for me?

I stop and take a deep breath. Why do things get so awkward when Holden has a girlfriend? I don't mind if he drunkedly picks a chick up and fucks her, but when he starts dating her... it irks the hell out of me.

Maybe I'm just pissy cuz Holden's out there getting laid and I'm not. When was the last time I got laid? It's certainly been a while. And the last time I had a real girlfriend? I don't think I've had one of those since right before the comic really took off.

But that doesn't matter. Cuz with Holden, it's always 'love'. He's always in love with someone. He just has to put them up on a fucking pedestal. He's not happy unless he's worshipping the fucking ground that some chick walks on. For what? It always ends the same. He ends up pissing and moaning, wondering what he did wrong as he drowns his sorrows in beers.

It's always, "Banky, I don't understand why it happened." or "I know I haven't been around much, Banky. I should have been a better friend." or "That's it, Banky. I swear, that's the last time I leave you hanging for some chick."

Of course, he only says these things when he's drunk. I only mean the world to him when he's drunk and heartbroken. Then, as always, about a week later he's in love again.

My last relationship ended because of him. Because of all the times I was halfway out the door and I'd hear Holden's voice, "Where are you going?"

"Out. Why?" That was my standard reply. I would never tell him where unless I knew his mood. I never would tell him that I had plans until I knew what he wanted. I should have known because Holden only asked me where I was going when he was depressed and lonely.

"Oh... okay... I was just thinking... Maybe we'd rent a couple of movies or something..." Holden would say, usually sitting on the couch, looking down at the floor.

Like always, I would close the door. "I thought you were going out?" I can't count the number of times Holden asked that question as he looked up, surprised by the sound of the door closing.

"It's not important. I just have to make a call, then we can go to the video store." I would say before calling my girlfriend. Usually, whoever I was dating would get frustrated after this happened a couple of times and we'd part ways.

My last girlfriend made a big show when I called her that last time. "Again, Banky? Jesus Christ! Can't we have a date without you worrying about that roommate of yours? You're going to have to choose, Banky. Me or Him? Think about it. Are you ever going to find a girl who's going to put up with being 2nd place to him? What if you end up alone, all because you pick him?"

It was a bit ridiculous. I'm still young. Picking Holden then (or now) didn't mean I'd be alone forever. Still, the words had hit me hard. The answer was out of my mouth before I could think about it. "Him." With that, I had hung up the phone.

Man, that chick had been really cute too. I'm almost questioning my answer because I'm alone waiting for Holden to come home. Because Holden doesn't make choices like that for me. Holden walks out the door and expects me to be fucking cheerful about it.

It must be around 2am or something. I've been laying in my bed in the dark for a while now. I can hear Alyssa and Holden failing to walk quietly through the apartment.

A few minute after Holden's door closes, I hear them. It's soft at first, just whispering and gentle moaning. Then, it gets louder and louder. Jesus, that fucking girl's a screamer. Not that Holden's much better. Those two moan and scream as if they're the only two people in the world.

I turn on my side and press a pillow over my head to try and block out the sounds. I had a headache to begin with and now I have to put up with this shit.

It's hard when you have to listen to the person you love fuck someone else, especially when they don't have the common courtesy to keep it down so you can sleep.

My eyes pop open with that thought. 'the person you love'? The person I love? I love Holden? That must be what I was thinking about... I'm sure as hell not in love with Alyssa.

I roll onto my back and stare into the darkness. I'm in love with my best friend. The realization hits me like a ton of bricks. That's why I'm always so fucking pissy when he's got a girlfriend. That's why I don't mind when he has meaningless flings. That's why I feel so abandoned and depressed when he chooses her over me.

This explains a lot...

This realization also makes things hurt a lot worse. Because I'm the one who has stood by him and who has loved him through everything. He's known her for such a short time and he chooses her over me. I've let him push me around. I've been there when he's needed me. I've sacrificed and gave for him. It's all because I love him.

It also makes the sting of this feel a lot more real...

I can hardly look Holden in the eye the next day. It's long after Alyssa left and he's still walking around the apartment humming and singing.

I hate the way he looks when he thinks of her. That stupid look on his face and the way he seems to be floating on air. I hate that he never looks at me like that.

I'm sitting on the couch eating cereal. My heart flutters everytime Holden walks near me. I want to rip my heart out of my chest for doing something as lame as 'fluttering.'

Holden opens the door. "Where are you going?" I ask Holden, just like he's asked me so many times.

Holden has that big stupid grin on his face. "To the city with Alyssa. Don't wait up." With that he closes the door. Leaving me alone with my soggy cereal.

At least I know where I stand...


End file.
